This past Sunday, Peter Englert spoke about the seventh commandment, “thou shall not commit adultery.” I admire his willingness to tackle such a weighty subject and the wise and thoughtful way he did so. In particular, I appreciated the second point of his sermon – “the image of God leads us to love our neighbor” – as it relates closely to a question I’ve been thinking about a lot lately: “What is love?” Or more specifically, “How do you know that you really love someone?”

As Christians, I think this an important question to ask ourselves, as we are called to love our neighbor and model the love of Christ to everyone we meet. In fact, this is a theme that’s come up in several of the sermons in our “Words to Live By” series. When you think about it, each of the Ten Commandments really boil down to loving God and loving other people.

A friend of mine asked me this question recently. I wanted to give a really good, thorough answer, so I took some time and wrote up this reflection, which I’ll share here. I’m sure I could spend even more time thinking and revising, but this is what I’ve come up with in light of Scripture and my own experiences:

One way I know I really love someone is that I just… do. If you think about the people you love, I’m sure you could identify qualities about them that you admire, but those qualities are probably what cause you to like them, not love them. Liking someone as a person is more conditional and based on things like their behavior and whether you enjoy their company. I think it’s certainly possible to love someone without liking them – for example, you may love a difficult family member, but not really like them, and it may be healthiest to set some boundaries with someone who continually causes you hurt.

If you think about why you love someone, it’s harder to put into words because the emotion of love is not based on qualities alone. It may start out that way – that is, you may come to love someone by spending time with them and recognizing things you appreciate about them, but once the feeling of love has taken root in your heart, it becomes much more complex and can’t be summed up solely in the person’s attributes. It’s just something you feel inside that is difficult to describe.

However, feelings are often fickle and unpredictable, which is why the Bible says that, more than anything, love must be a choice and a commitment – choosing to love someone, even if the feeling of love wavers, or if you find that you are having trouble liking the person.

If we feel love for someone in our hearts, that’s a wonderful thing, but we must also make sure to love the person through dedication and adherence to the fruits of the Spirit, as demonstrated by Jesus and laid out in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

As we’ve all discovered, loving others does not always come naturally, which is why it’s so crucial to put this passage into practice. When it seems easier to indulge anger, to stop putting effort into our relationships, and to let ourselves drift away from people when they disappoint us, that is when we must make an intentional choice to persevere in love and stay committed. For instance, if the natural feelings of love ebb in a marriage relationship, which can happen as the years go on, and the spouses struggle to consistently love each other in their hearts, they can always choose to love each other through their actions and devotion, which are what ultimately make a marriage sustainable – making the decision to love the person every day, even when it’s hard, and forgiving each other as He forgave us (again, except in cases of abuse or mistreatment – sometimes we must forgive while still setting boundaries or breaking bonds to prioritize our health and safety).

So in my view, which I’m being careful to make sure aligns with God’s view, love can be a feeling that is hard to put into words, but, moreover, it should be a choice lived out by actions, even when that choice is at odds with our emotional inclinations. God’s love for the world was demonstrated in His choice to send Jesus to save us despite how emotionally devastating He knew it would be to watch His Son suffer. This is not to say that emotions are wrong and we should never pay attention to them – of course we should. But we should always choose to love others, even when our human nature would prefer that we not.

Every person is someone made in God’s image and someone whom Jesus died for, and therefore they are worthy of our love, as Peter explained on Sunday. I think believing that someone is worthy of your love is not that far off from actually loving them. I don’t even think you need to know someone personally to love them – getting to know them might help you determine whether you like them as a person or want a close relationship with them, but biblical love is ultimately established in our recognition of someone as a person made in God’s image and worthy of His grace.

Yesterday began the season of Lent, which means we will soon celebrate the greatest historic act of love, the death of Jesus on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins. The approach of Easter is an ideal time to reflect on this topic.

So maybe spend some time thinking these next few weeks:

What do you think it means, biblically speaking, to love other people with the love of Christ, whether they’re close family and friends, or strangers?

What’s one practical way you could show Christlike love to a specific person through your actions, as Jesus did for all of us?

Sometimes the best way we can understand and experience God’s love for us is by showing that same type of love to those He put here with us.